Rope A Dope

This guy goes to see the Pope as he was visiting in Europe. There is a huge crowd of people there but he manages to get through.

He watches as the Pope stops every once in a while to whisper something in a their ear. He was dressed in his best suit because he really wanted the Pope to talk to him but, as the Pope came up to him, he walked right by and stopped by a guy near him who was homeless and dressed in rags.

So, the man says to himself, "I know why he stopped at him, he's homeless!" So the man pays the homeless guy 50 dollars to use his clothes and he goes back the next day.

Well, this time the Pope stopped at him, leaned over, and whispered, "I thought I told you to get out of here yesterday!

 A Divorce

In a divorce case, the local gigolo was brought to the stand, accused of sleeping with the plaintiff's wife.

The judge asked, "This man claims that you seduced his wife. Are you guilty of this?"

To which the accused replied, "I don't know, I haven't heard all of the evidence yet."

This is a true story. My sister and I spent two weeks in Paris. The locals obviously hated Americans. No matter where we went, we were subject to rude behavior from waiters, store clerks, pedestrians, etc. After a while it started to irritate us.

One day, in Paris, my sister went shopping. She entered a store and started looking around. She was the only customer in the store. As she was looking through the clothes on the rack, a clerk hurriedly approached her and very abruptly asked if he could help her.

My sister was used to this bad treatment by now and she politely declined his help. She continued to look at the clothes. Then she noticed that every clerk in the store was staring at her.

Defiantly, she continued to look through the clothes. When she could take this treatment no longer, she turned on her heels, with her head held high, and left the shop. As she left, she noticed that the sign on the store read "Dry Cleaners."

I Scream, You Scream

A woman in a supermarket pushed a grocery cart with her screaming baby in it.

As she moved up and down the aisles, she kept murmuring, "Stay calm, Rachel. Don't cry, Rachel. Don't scream, Rachel."

Another woman watched in admiration and then remarked, "You certainly have a lot of patience with little Rachel."

"What do you mean?" snapped the woman. "I'm Rachel!"

Irish Wheelchair

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally
says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and
falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that
will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides
to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he
stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into
his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls
right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He
awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at
him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent look.
”The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

 Q & A

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each

child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come

up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Accounting for Taste

The accountant for the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe was retiring after working for the firm for seventeen years. Cheatham was interviewing applicants, and was disappointed, as only three had even bothered to send in a resume.

After looking over the application of the first, an accountant with six years experience at Goldman Sachs, he called the first applicant in, and asked the woman what 2 plus 2 was.

She answered, "Four."

Cheatham said he would call her if she was selected.

The second candidate was a CPA from Harvard, and at the end of the interview he was asked the same question, "What is two and two?"

The CPA replied, "Four." Cheatham told him that he would call the young man if he was selected.

The third applicant was a recently-graduated philosophy. Cheatham figured that this wasn't going to go anywhere, but thought, "What the hey? I've got nothing to lose."

He interviewed the young man quickly and asked, "I know you don't have an accountancy background, but can you tell me what two plus two is?"

To which the philosophy major replied, "Can you tell me what would you want it to be?"

And was hired on the spot.

Steve's a Jerk

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve. He would complain about everything. That day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.

The minister asked "Why are you shaking your head 'yes' for men and 'no' for women?"

Her response was, "The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I was saying, 'Yes, I'll be alright.' When the women walked by, they were asking if the mule is for sale...."               

An Atheist

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accidents of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking along side the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind. As he turned to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him. At that instant he cried out "Oh my God!" Just then, time stopped.

The bear froze, the forest was silent, and the river even stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit my creation to a cosmic accident and now do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said "It would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. As the light went out, the river ran, the sounds of the forest continued and the bear put his paw down. The bear then brought both paws together, bowed his head and said, "Lord, I thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

The Long Hack Veil
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?" 

The Barber of Evil
Every Saturday, this man goes into his barber shop. So this one Saturday he told his barber that he was going to Rome.

The Barber asked what flight he was going to take. The Man responded "A-1."

The barber yelled, "A-1!? Are you crazy?! That plane's food is horrible! And, you'll never get a wink of sleep 'cause the engines are so noisy!"

After a moment of silence, the barber politely asked, "What hotel are you staying at?"

The man replied "The Grand Hotel."

The Barber again yelled, "Why are you going there?! The place is infested with roaches, and the mattresses are as hard as a rock!"

Then after another moment of silence, the man said, "Oh, and guess what I'm going to do!?" "What?" asked the barber. "I'm going to see the pope!"

The barber literally screamed, "You'll never get to see the pope!! No one ever gets to see the pope up close!"

Two weeks later the man came back and said that the plane and the hotel were great. The barber was astonished.

The barber asked if the man got to see the pope up close. The man stretched his arms about 2 feet a part and said, "I got to see the pope and I was this far away and he talked to me personally."

"No way," the barber. "What did he say to you?"

"Where'd you get the dumb haircut?" the man replied.

Engine Trouble
Fifteen minutes into flight, the pilot announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the pilot announced: "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the pilot announced: "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left."

The guy in seat 17A turned to me and said, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"