Jokes10 

Prayer
One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church.

As she ran she kept praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late to church. Please don't let me be late to church..." As she was running she tripped and fell.

When she got back up she began praying again...

"Please, God don't let me be late to church - but don't shove me either!" 

Car trouble
My wife came home the other day and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."

I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.

I thought for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator."

"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor" she insisted.

"OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"

"In the lake!" 

Baby food
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked, "Then why did you eat him?" 

The leaf
A little boy opened the big family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!" 

Wrong way
A man was driving down the freeway when his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just ONE car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!" 

Swimming with gators
Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter that was single.

One day he decided to throw a huge party, during which he announced: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give $1 million or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large splash! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all his might, the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed, he said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain, which do you want my daughter or the $1 million?"

The guy replied, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!" 

Fatherhood
An elderly couple was having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leaned forward and softly said to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife dropped her head. Unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man was very shaken. With a tear in his eye he asked, "Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell her husband the truth. Then, finally, she said, "You." 

Dalmatians
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past them. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No, he's just for good luck," said another.

A third child brought the argument to a close.

"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant." 

Weird coincidence
Two men were playing golf on a Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man. The other shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through...enough is enough."

He started walking toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."

The other man shrugged. He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said, "Small world!" 

Driving problems
A police officer on a motorcycle pulled up to a man driving on the highway.

"Pull over," the officer said. The driver pulled over to the side of the road.

"I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?" the driver asked.

"No, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back."

The man replied, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf!" 

Desert island
A guy was stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.

One day he saw a speck in the horizon. "It's not a ship," he thought to himself. The speck got a little closer. "It's not a boat." The speck came even closer. "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf came this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approached the guy and said, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," the man replied.

She reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulled out a pack of fresh cigarettes. The man took one, lit it, took a long drag, and said, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then the woman asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

"Ten years," the man again replied.

She reached over, unzipped her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulled out a flask and gave it to him. He took a long swig and said, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then the woman began unzipping the front of her wet suit as she said to him, "And how long has it..."

The man quickly interrupted her, "Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!" 

Vision of beauty
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But - being payday - instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. 

Spare change
Two college students, Frank and Matt, were riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approached them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejected the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whipped out his wallet, pulled out a couple of dollars and gladly handed them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanked him and then continued on to the other passengers. Frank was outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

"What on earth did you do that for?" shouted Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!"

Matt replied, "What...and we weren't?" 

Speeding ticket
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gave the officer her license.

"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!" 

It's started
A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said, "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."

The man sighed and said, "It's started." 

Picture perfect
"You always carry my photo in your handbag. Why?," the husband asked his wife.

"When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears," she said.

"You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?," he asked.

"Yes," she said. "I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one?'" 

Isn't that Darling
The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office.

"What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled.

"Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..." 

A peeing-seeing eye dog
A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg. The man then reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.

A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!"

The blind man responded, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the butt!" 

Kittens
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. When he returned home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom!" 

Quiet burglar
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," the desk sergeant told him.

"No, no, no!" replied the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!" 

Fortunes
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you no matter who left you a fortune!"