Jokes 11 

Call me 'Mother'
A young man was walking through a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. He ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said. "I'm sorry if my staring has made you uncomfortable. It's just that you look like my son, who recently died."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man. "Is there anything that I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother?' It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

When he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked. "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk. 

Sleeping like a baby
While the stock market was at an all-time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors.

One guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and asked if he were worried. He replied that he slept like a baby.

He was amazed and asked, "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?"

"Yes, that's right," he said. "Just like a baby...I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours!" 

Bad baby
An old country doctor was called out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was really far away and there was no electricity.

When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so that he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again Doc, Hit him again!" the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!" 

Back seat driver
Johnny had just received his drivers license. The family went out to the driveway and climbed in the car, so he could take them for a ride for the first time. Johnny's father immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind his son.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to the his dad.

His father replied, "Nope, I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!" 

Fish in a barrel
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars that were all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got caught and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah...," the driver replied.

The officer grinned and said, "Ever catch all the fish?" 

Lazy men
A construction site foreman had 10 very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the 10th man.

"Too much trouble," he responded. 

The doctor is in
As a doctor completed his examination of the patient he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

The patient replied, "In that case I'll come back when you're sober!" 

Backing up
A man and his son were traveling to the bank one Saturday morning when they stopped at a corner. The little boy, hearing a beeping sound, asked his dad where the sound was coming from.

His dad replied that the sound was comming from a nearby dump truck that was backing up and that sound was to warn people behind it to get out of the way.

When they arrived at the bank the lines were long (as usual) and so they got into one of the lines behind a rather large lady.

All of a sudden another man's beeper started to go off and the little boy with fear in his eyes said "Look out dad she's backing up!" 

Jumping frog
There was this not too bright scientist doing a study on how frogs respond to commands. He told a frog to jump. The frog jumped 30 feet. He wrote in his log book, frog jumped 30 feet.

Then he cut off one leg. He gave the same command to the frog. It jumped 25 feet. In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumped five less feet. He cut off another leg. The frog went 20 feet. He recorded it in the log book. Then he cut off the thrid leg. The frog jumped 10 feet. He wrote, cut off three legs and frog now jumps 10 less feet. Finally, he cut off the last leg and commanded the frog to jump. The frog didn't move an inch.

The scientist wrote in his book...Cut off all four legs and the frog went deaf.

 I see, says the blind man
Two nuns were ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction from the Mother Superior was that they not get a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the nuns decided to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there came a knock at the door.

"Who is it?," called one of the nuns.

"The blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns looked at each other and shrugged. Deciding that no harm could come from letting a blind man into the room, they opened the door.

"Nice butt, sister," said the man, "where do you want these blinds?" 

Rooster replacement
A man was driving in his car when all of the sudden a rooster ran out in front of him. He tried to miss it, but unfortunately ran over the rooster and killed it. He decided that he should go tell the farmer, so he got out of his car and walked across the road to the farm. He walked up to the front door and knocked.

The farmer came to the door and the man said, "I'm afraid I've killed your rooster, please let me replace him."

The farmer said, "Please yourself, the hens are out the back." 

Flattery will get you nowhere
On the way home from a party, the woman said to her husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

"Why no," the flattered husband said.

"Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?" she yelled. 

Fine dining
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door." 

Loving wife
"You know," a guy told his buddies, "I'm a lucky man. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from work."

"What did she do?" someone asked.

"She was so happy to have me home," he said, "That every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, she'd shout, 'My husbands home! My husband's home!'" 

Too hot for clothes
"It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower.

"Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," the wife replied. 

Asylum escapees
A male chauvinist told his buddy, "I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently."

His buddy asked, "Oh? Why do you wonder about that?"

To which he replied, "Well, somebody ran off with my wife this week!" 

Memory class
There was this old couple who was having trouble remembering things, so they signed up for a memory course. The course was wonderful. They went home and told all of their relatives, friends and neighbours about it. Some months later, a neighbour approached the old man as he tended the garden.

"Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?" the neighbour asked.

"Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute," Ed pondered. "What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems?"

"You mean a rose?" the neighbour said.

"Yeah, that's it!" Ed said. Then shouting toward the house he yelled, "Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?" 

Walking Fifi
A doctor went to the mental hospital to visit his patients. In one of the rooms, he saw a man walking around, dragging a toothbrush on a leash.

The doctor asked the man, "What are you doing, walking the dog?"

"Oh no, I'm just dragging my toothbrush on a leash," the man replied.

The doctor left the room amazed, thinking how many normal people end up in mental institutions.

The man turned to his toothbrush and said, "Ha, Fifi, we tricked him!" 

Therapy session
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..." 

Three little words
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly towards him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100...on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked into her eyes and slowly said, "Paint my house!" 

Shot to the heart
Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee. 

Golf cheat
Sid and Barney went out for a quick round of golf. Since they were short on time, they decided to play only 9 holes.

Sid said to Barney, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day."

Barney agreed and they enjoyed a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney was ahead by 1 stroke, but cut his ball into the rough on the 9th hole.

"Help me find my ball, you look over there," he said to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulled a ball from his pocket and tossed it to the ground.

"I've found my ball!" he announced triumphantly.

Sid looked at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!" Sid said with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"