Three Engineers
There are three engineers in a car; an
electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft
engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road,
and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could
be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics
of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have
occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars,
suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting
blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything,
comes up with a suggestion, 'Why don't we close all the windows,
get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll
work !?'
Bad Luck
This woman's husband had been slipping in
and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his
bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned
for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You
know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When
I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business
failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health
started failing, you were still by my side... You know
what?"
"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart
began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck....."
Impossible
A
man was walking down the beach when he found a bottle. He picks
up the bottle, and a genie comes out. The genie says that he
will grant him one wish. 'Well, I'd like to go to Hawaii. But,
I'm afraid of flying and I don't like the idea of going in a
boat. So, I wish there was a bridge from here to Hawaii.' says
the man. 'That's impossible!' says the genie. 'You'll have to
make another wish.' 'Ok, I want to know how to be a successful
computer programmer.' says the man. 'How many lanes do you want
on that bridge?' asks the genie.
The
following ads actually appeared in newspapers:
ILITERATE? Write today for free help.
AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you
will never go anywhere again.
DOG FOR SALE Eats anything and is fond of children.
STOCK UP AND SAVE. Limit: one.
SEMI ANNUAL AFTER XMAS SALE
DINNER SPECIAL. Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children
$2.00
FOR SALE: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers.
NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an extra
pair to take home, too.
GREAT DAMES for sale.
TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF? Let me do it.
Need
a Push
A
married couple is awakened by the sound of someone knocking on
their door. The husband gets up, opens the window, and shouts,
"Who's there?"
A voice from below calls out, "Please help. I need a
push."
"It's three in the morning," the man hollers.
"Get lost before I call the cops!"
His wife rolls over and says, "Honey, you should help that
person. Remember when our children got stuck on the highway late
that night and that trucker helped?"
The guy sighs, goes downstairs, and calls out, "Hey, do you
still need a push?"
"Yes," a voice replies.
"Where are you?"
"Over here, on the swings!"
Dream
A man told his shrink, 'Doc, I had the
worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve
of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes,
brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row...
His psychiatrist interrupted, 'Hold it, Andy. That doesn't sound
so terrible.'
'Oh yeah?' replied Andy, 'In the dream, I was the third girl
from the end!'
Very religious
While robbing a home, a burglar hears
someone say, "Jesus is watching you." To his relief,
he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something it had
heard.
The burglar asks the parrot, "What's your name?"
The parrot says, "Moses."
The burglar goes on to ask, "What kind of a person names
their parrot Moses?"
The parrot replies, "The same kind of person that names his
Rottweiler Jesus."
Named
A
lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people
mentioned in the will:
'To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as
well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million.'
The lawyer continued, 'To my daughter Jessica, who looked after
me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the
yacht, the business and $1 million.'
The lawyer concluded, 'And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me,
argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my
will - well you're wrong. Hi Dan!'
Go
to Hell
|
Two
doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck
and line up at the Pearly Gates for admission to heaven.
Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves. One doctor
steps forward and says,
"I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped hundreds
of kids overcome their deformities." Saint Peter
says, "Enter."
The other doctor says, "I was a psychiatrist. I
helped rehabilitate thousands of people." Saint
Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.
The third applicant steps forward and says, "I was
an HMO manager. I helped countless people get
cost-effective health care." Saint Peter tells him,
"You can come in, too."
As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, "But
you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go
to hell."
Forgive
Me
A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that
he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll,
I hid a Jewish man in my attic."
"Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a
sin."
"But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he
stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a
good cause."
"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I
have one more question."
"What is it son."
"Do I now have to tell him the war is over?"
A
Drink
|
A grasshopper hops into a bar and jumps up on a barstool. The
bartender looks at him and starts laughing and
says "Hey! We got a drink named after
you!" The grasshopper gives the bartender a
dirty look and says, "You got a drink named
Steve?"
Golf
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning
my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming
shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse
loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the
woman's tee back up to the men's tee
please!!" I was still deep in my routine,
seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on
the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's
tee." I simply ignored the guy and kept
concentrating. Once more the man yelled,
"Would the man on the woman's tee back up
to the men's tee, PLEASE!"
I finally stopped, turned, looked through the
clubhouse window directly at the person with the
mike and shouted back,
"Would the person in the clubhouse kindly
shut up and let me play my SECOND
shot?"
True
story from a friend:
"When
I went to get my driver's license renewed, our
local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line
inched along for almost an hour until the man
ahead of me finally got his license.
"He inspected his photo for a moment and
commented to the clerk, 'I was standing in line
so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in
this picture.'
"The clerk looked at his picture closely.
'It's okay,' he reassured the man: 'That's how
you're going to look when the cops pull you over
anyway.'"
| Have
a Guess
There were two rednecks walking toward each other down the
street. One of them was carrying a sack.
When they met up, the other redneck
asked, "Whatcha got in that there
sack?"
The redneck with the sack replied,
"Just some chickens."
The other redneck said, "If I guess
how many chickens are there in that
there sack, can I have one?"
The redneck with he sack answered,
"I'll give ya both of them if you
get it right."
So, the other redneck thought and
thought, and he finally said,
"Five?"
What
Happens Now
A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples
for his thesis work. He flew there and
found a guide with a canoe to take him
up the river to the remote site he where
he would make his collections. On the
second day of travel up the river they
began to hear drums.
Being a city boy by nature, the
biologist was disturbed by this. He
asked the guide, "What are those
drums?" The guide turned to him and
said, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when
they stop." Well the biologist
settled down a little at this, and
things went reasonably well for about
two weeks.
Then, just as they were packing up the
camp to leave, the drums suddenly
stopped! This hit the biologist like a
ton of bricks, and he yelled at the
guide, "The drums have stopped,
what happens now?"
The guide crouched down, covered his
head with his hands and said, "bass
solo."
A
Bad Day
A wee guy was sitting at a bar staring at his drink for ages.
Suddenly, a big biker came along,
snatched his glass, guzzled down the
contents and laughed, "Hah! So what
you gonna do about that, little
man?"
"Nothing," sighed the little
guy despondently. "You see, today
has been the worst day of my life. This
morning I overslept and was late for an
important meeting. My boss was furious
and so he sacked me. I cleared my desk,
went to my car, only to discover that it
wasn't there - somebody had stolen it.
So I got a taxi home, but when it came
to paying the driver I realized I'd
forgotten my wallet. I then had to go
into my house but I found my wife in bed
with the gardener. So I left home and
came to this bar. And just when I was
thinking about ending it all, you came
along and drank my poison..."
Tricked
Ya
|
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights
broken and considerable damage
to the bonnet. There's no sign
of the offending vehicle but
he's relieved to see that
there's a note stuck under the
windshield wiper.
"Sorry. I just backed into
your Beemer. The witnesses who
saw the accident are nodding and
smiling at me because they think
I'm leaving my name, address and
other particulars. But I'm
not."
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