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Jokes
13
Feel
Like a Woman
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On
a cross country trip a plane runs into a terrible storm. The
passengers are screaming as the plane gets pounded by wind,
rain, hail and lightning. They are certain the plane is going to
crash and that they'll perish with it.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims,
"I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die
like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let
me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man
enough to make me feel like woman?"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to
walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his
shirt. She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting
of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says
to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die.
Are you interested?" Eagerly, she shakes her head and
exclaims, "Yes!" The man hands her his shirt and says,
"Here, iron this."
A Mistake
A
blonde needed to earn some much needed cash, so decided to hire
herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy
neighbourhood. She went up to the front door of the first house
and asked the owner if he had any jobs she could do.
"Well," said the owner, "you can paint my porch.
How much would you charge?" The blonde replied, "How
about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she
might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde
came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished
already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered,
"and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50
"And by the way," the blonde added... that's not a
Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Disgusted
A
man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that
read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and
sat down.
The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what
he wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he
asked inquisitively.
"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly
replied.
"Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of
chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I
would never even consider eating anything that came out
of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like
then?"
"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man
replied.
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Doctor, Doctor
The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she
collapsed from a heart attack. "Please
dear, I need help." she said. The husband
ran off saying, "I'll go get some
help." A little while later he returned,
picked up his club and began to line up his shot
on the green. His wife, on the ground, raised up
her head and said, "I may be dying and
you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the
second hole who said he'd come and help
you."
"The second hole??? When is he
coming???"
"Hey! I told you not to worry." he
said, practice stroking his putt...
"Everyone's already agreed to let him play
through."
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Top 10 reasons computers must be
male
10.
They have a lot of data but are still
clueless.
9. A better model is always just around
the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you
bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a
backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you
push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is
the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you
have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for
the night.
And the number 1 reason?
1. Size does matter
Lost
Ball
These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes
into his golf bag to get a ball and says
to his friend, "Hey, why don't you
try this ball." He draws a green
golf ball out of his bag. "You
can't lose it."
His friend replies, "What do you
mean you can't lose it?!!" The
first man replies, "I'm serious,
you can't lose it. If you hit it into
the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if
you hit it into the water it produces
bubbles, and if you hit it on the
fairway, smoke comes up in order for you
to find it."
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe
him, but he shows him all the
possibilities until he is convinced. The
friend says, "Wow! That's
incredible! Where did you get that
ball?"
The man replies, "I found it."
A
Chatter dog
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Out of the
corner of his eye he notices a
large dog who appears to be
emptying wastebaskets.
The salesman stared at the
animal, wondering if his
imagination was playing tricks
on him.
The dog looked up and said,
"My friend, don't be
surprised. This is just part of
my job."
"Amazing!" exclaimed
the man. "I simply can't
believe it. Does your boss
realise what a prize he has in
you? An animal...that can
talk!"
"No, no, no!!" pleaded
the dog. "Please don't! If
that man discovers I can talk,
he'll be making me answer the
phones as well."
Birth
Control
A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about
to have a baby. One day, the
wife started having contractions
so the husband rushed her to the
hospital. He held her hand as
she went through a trying birth.
In the end, there were two
little baby boys.
The blonde guy turns to the girl
and angrily says "Alright.
Who's the other father!"
Cough
it up
I saw a small kid the other day happily playing in the street.
He accidentally swallowed a coin
which became stuck in his
throat.
With the boy choking, his mum
ran along the street screaming
for help. Luckily a passer-by
intervened and hit the boy hard
on the back so he coughed up the
coin.
"Doctor, thank you ever so
much" proclaimed the
Mother.
"Lady, I'm no Doctor,"
replied the man, "I work
for the IRS."
House
Breaking
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the
burglar who had broken into his
house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in
court." said the Desk
Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the
man. "I want to know how he
got into the house without
waking my wife. I've been trying
to do that for years!"
Beautiful Dream
A man told his shrink, 'Doc, I had the worst dream of my life
last night. I dreamed I was with
twelve of the most beautiful
chorus girls in the world.
Blondes, brunettes, redheads,
all dancing in a row...
His psychiatrist interrupted,
'Hold it, Andy. That doesn't
sound so terrible.'
'Oh yeah?' replied Andy, 'In the
dream, I was the third girl from
the end!'
The
Blind
A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother
superior was taking a shower.
"There is a blind man to
see you," she says.
"Well, if he is a blind
man, than it does not matter if
I'm in the shower. Send him
in."
The blind man walks into the
bathroom, and mother superior
starts to tell him how much she
appreciates him working at the
convent for them. She goes on
and on and 10 minutes later the
man interrupts: "That's
nice and all, ma'am, but you can
put your clothes on now. Also,
where do you want me to put
these blinds?
Adam
"God," said Adam, "why did you make Eve so
beautiful?"
"So you would love
her."
"But why did you make her
so dumb?"
"So she would love
you."
Juggling
for a Ticket
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for
speeding. As the officer
was writing the ticket,
she noticed several
machetes in the car.
"What are those
for?" she asked
suspiciously. "I'm
a juggler," the man
replied. "I use
those in my act."
The officer wanting to
be sure so he asked
"Please step out of
the car and show
me."
So
he got out with the
machetes and started
juggling them, first
three, then more,
finally seven at one
time, overhand,
underhand, behind the
back, putting on a
dazzling show and
amazing the officer.
Pretty soon another car passed by. The driver did
a double take, and said,
"My God. I've got
to give up drinking!
Look at the tests
they're giving
now."
Guitar
Player
A young boy walking down the street with his
father sees an electric
guitar in the front
window of a music store.
Dad, he says, I want to
be a guitar player when
I grow up. To which his
father replies. Now son,
you can't have both!
A
Spectacle
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While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped
at a roadside
restaurant for
lunch. After
finishing their
meal, the
elderly woman
left her glasses
on the table,
but she didn't
miss them until
they were back
on the highway.
By then, they
had to travel
quite a distance
before they
could find a
place to turn
around.
The elderly man fussed and complained all the
way back to the
restaurant.
He called his wife every bad name he could
think of.
When
they finally
arrived at the
restaurant, as
the woman got
out of the car
to retrieve her
glasses, the man
yelled to her,
"While
you're in there,
you might as
well get my hat,
too."
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