Jokes 19

Stuffed Turkey

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

Shut up Stupid

A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, "what's the problem officer?"To which the policeman responded, "I stopped you for running that red light behind you." Just then the man's wife leaned forward from the driver's seat and said with a very loud voice, "I told him to stop at that light. But did he listen? No. He just kept right on going."

The man then turned to his wife and yelled "Shut up stupid!" The policeman continued, "And just before the light I clocked you doing 50 m.p.h. and the speed limit is only 30." His wife then leaned forward again and squawked "I told him to slow down. But did he listen to me. No! He never listens to me."

And again the man shouted at his wife "Listen stupid, I told you to SHUT UP!"

The policeman then looked at the woman and said "does he always talk to you this way?"

To which the woman responed, "Only when he has been drinking."

Job Question

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?"

He answered no to the question.

The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was "why?" Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it "Never got caught."

Things to ponder:

Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Why

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?   
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?   
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?   
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?   
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquidmade
with real lemons?   
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?   
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?   
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?   
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?   
Why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?   
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?   
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?   
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?   
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?   
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Things to ponder:

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Adam & Eve

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

My Dearest Susan,

Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

Yours always and truly,
John

P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery

A Broom

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.

He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.

She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to go out to get the broom.

His mother smiled and said 'The Lord is out there too, don't be afraid'. The little boy opened the back door a little and said 'Lord if you're out there, hand me the broom'.

Tortoise Picnic

Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick
 packs  the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.

 The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten
days  get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.  'Ok Roy
 give  me the bottle opener'

 'I didn't bring it' says Roy.  'I thought you packed it'  Mick gets
 worried,
 He turns to Andy, 'Did you bring the bottle opener?' Naturally Andy
didn't  bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.

 Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they
 will  eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on
 their  tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

 So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he
still  isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.

 Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
 Finally  they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just
 as  they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts:

  'I KNEW IT......I'M NOT BLOODY GOING'.

The Barber

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

A Monkey

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

Success is ...

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

Help the Lawyer

A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"

The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

You Live In 2002

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat, he emails you back from his bedroom.
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20-50 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.
7. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed

Caught You

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.

Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.")

As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.

As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar.

"She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

Choices

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room".

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.

So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"