What men are really like?
 
Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
 
Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY.
 
Men are like.....Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
 
Men are like.....Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
 
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
 
Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
 
Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
 
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
 
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
 
Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
 
Men are like.....Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Heaven can 'C'
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea what some people will do to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

Just a Kiss
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Under Pressure
Patient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."

Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."

Patient: "I just did, you idiot!"

Word from the whys
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery!"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips after you use it?

Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is what doctors do called "practice?"

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand? 

Rest in peace
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

Bus pass
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. "You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "I'm on the wrong bus!"

Life's a test - and you're graded on a curve
At age 4, success is...not peeing in your pants.
   At age 12, success is...having friends.
    At age 16, success is...having a driver's license.
     At age 20, success is...having sex.
      At age 35, success is...having money.
      At age 50, success is...having money.
     At age 60, success is...having sex.
    At age 70, success is...having a driver's license.
   At age 75, success is...having friends.
At age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants.

Let's work it out
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB! 

Squirms of endearment
A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner.

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy:

"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago." 

Super granny
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags in the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, to no avail. And then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.