TOASTMASTERS INTERNATIONAL
District 70, Northern Division, Area 32
Port Stephens - blue water paradise
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TOASTMASTERS INTERNATIONAL District 70, Northern Division, Area 32 Port Stephens - blue water paradise |
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Jokes 21
Double or Nothing
A
man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender
replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you
my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts
the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports
that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can
bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have
two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting
his other eye.
Who did it?
This
is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that,
because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but
Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that
Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody
Like Some Blood?
Three
vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and
asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I
vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The
vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The
vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct.
You want two bloods and a blood light?"
Advise from Children
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, Do I look stupid? don't answer him. -
Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia,
11
Things to ponder:
Why
do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night
gowns?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave
each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up
with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually
done by first graders, but there are some good ones nonetheless -their insight
may surprise you.
And the favorite .....
A
gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions
gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to
escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between
us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers--we had $100
when we broke in!"
Fooled ya!
While
crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard
who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the
bags?", asked the guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained
nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued
across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the
two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for
six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say
friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were
smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you
were smuggling?"
"Bicycles!"
Blomdie
BLONDE:
"Excuse me, what time is it right now?"
WOMAN: "It's 11:25PM."
BLONDE: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've
asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a
different answer."
Things to ponder:
For
Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Things to ponder:
If
you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become
disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a
running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
Pleeze Senior
A
US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the
border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've
got to go back across the border right now."
The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de
USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him
and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a
sentence".
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and
Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm,
Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"
Kindness
A
big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife,
a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your
attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father
is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving.
They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays
their rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who
you are?"
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the
landlord," he sobbed.
Overweight
An
overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she
run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as
many as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was
pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned
the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such
effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last
question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
A New Man
As
Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going
bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw
came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at
him. That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole new regimen. He
began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He
changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he
was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time
she accepted.
There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He
stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him
and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward
the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now? After all I've been through,
how could you do this to me?"
From up above, there came a voice, "Sorry. I didn't not recoginize
you."
RE: Quotes Taken from
actual performance evaluations:
"Since
my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to
dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap."
True!!
Sixth
grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which
organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when
stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way.
"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times
its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a
question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will
complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class
the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris
of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and
says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have
NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one
day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
Join the Army
A
friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was
standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by
the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and
Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
A Good Offer
Patient:
I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like
to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your
slippers
The things kids say
A
grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all
day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father,
Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals
from them, and drinks."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later
that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered
the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might
be some logical explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a
thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
Caught
A
shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive
jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't
want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget
about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip
and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show
me something less expensive?"
Rookie Cop
A
rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an
experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who
were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a
corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner
people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that
corner... NOW!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his
direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and
asked, "Well, how did I do?"
Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus
stop."
Truly stupid people 01
THE BOYS OF SUMMER
A
man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's
a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing
catch with a rattlesnake. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate
himself) was hospitalized.
Made in Japan
There
was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he
hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey,
a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window
excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out
of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese
leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in
Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a
number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in
Japan!"
Severe Penalty
A
judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day
the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered
"It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place
of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."
The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge,
at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do
that."
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