Jokes 22

Remember the Alamo

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"

The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

I love You

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. 


               WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

   GEORGE W. BUSH
      I don't think I should have to answer that question.

                        AL GORE
      I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken
   crossing the road represented the application of these two different
   functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring
   greater  services to the American people.

                        RALPH NADER
      The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been
   polluted by unchecked industrialist greed.  The chicken did not reach the
   unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the  wheels  of a gas-guzzling SUV.

     PAT BUCHANAN
      To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

     RUSH LIMBAUGH
      I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was
   getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out
   there is already forming a support group to help chickens with
   crossing-the-road syndrome.  Can you believe this? How much more of this can real  Americans  take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I  say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

                        MARTHA STEWART
   No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
   standing  order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

                        JERRY FALWELL
      Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see
   the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other
   side.  That's what they call it - the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken
   is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
   boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media
   whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

                        DR. SEUSS
      Did the chicken cross the road?
      Did he cross it with a toad?
      Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
      But why it crossed, I've not been told!

                        ERNEST HEMINGWAY
      To die. In the rain. Alone.

                        MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
      I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
   without having their motives called into question.

       GRANDPA
      In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
   told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

                        BARBARA WALTERS
      Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the
   chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it a
   serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of
   crossing the road.

     JOHN LENNON
      Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

             ARISTOTLE
      It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

                        KARL MARX
      It was a historical inevitability.

                        SADDAM HUSSEIN
      This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified
   in  dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

                        VOLTAIRE
      I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the
   death its right to do it.

                        RONALD REAGAN
      What chicken?

       CAPTAIN KIRK
      To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

                        FOX MULDER
      You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens
   have to cross before you believe it?

   SIGMUND FREUD
      The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
   road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

                        BILL GATES
      I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads,
   but  will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet  Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

   ALBERT EINSTEIN
      Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath
   the chicken?

   BILL CLINTON
      I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by
   chicken?   Could you define chicken please?

                          THE BIBLE
      And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
   Thou  shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was  much rejoicing.

         COLONEL SANDERS
      I missed one?

Good News – Bad News

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"

And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!"

Nuts Suck

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

Tracks

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them. 

Things to ponder:

Why Isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

Why English is tough:

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Tit for Tat

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of New York after a hockey game.
One sat in the window seat and the other sat in the middle seat.
Just  before takeoff,an American got on and took the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled
his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat  said,
"I think I'll get up and get a beer."
"No problem," said the American, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in  it.
When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one, too."
Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it and while he
Was gone, the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
When the American returned to his seat, they all sat back
and enjoyed the flight.  As the plane was landing, the American
slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked.
"How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in beers ?"