Jokes 23

THE MAN CODE

1. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

2. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

4. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

5. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

6. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

7. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean

"The computer user's reboot poem"

Don't you wish when life is bad
and things just don't compute,
That all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok,
life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
your wife, well she's just mute
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
that make it all reboot

You'd like to have another job
but you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start a new,
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Wrong Conclusion

A prominent Polish scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command ("Jump!").

In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: "Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly."

So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly."

Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly."

Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the leg less flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: "Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing"

Forgive me

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

Now what?

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

Grief!

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'

The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'

Where from?

TEXAN: "Where are you from?"

HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"

First in

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you."

The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."

Insult

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'

The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'

The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'

Lets laugh

If you can't laugh about this you need help.... This is a supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal :

"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't." "

No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "

Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Being prepared

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

               WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

   GEORGE W. BUSH
      I don't think I should have to answer that question.

                        AL GORE
      I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken
   crossing the road represented the application of these two different
   functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring
   greater services to the American people.

                        RALPH NADER
      The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been
   polluted by unchecked industrialist greed.  The chicken did not reach the
   unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the
   wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

     PAT BUCHANAN
      To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

     RUSH LIMBAUGH
      I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was
   getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out
   there is already forming a support group to help chickens with
   crossing-the-road syndrome.  Can you believe this? How much more of this can real  Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took  from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

                        MARTHA STEWART
   No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
   standing  order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

                        JERRY FALWELL
      Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see
   the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other
   side.   That's what they call it - the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken
   is  gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
   boycott  all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media
   whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

                        DR. SEUSS
      Did the chicken cross the road?
      Did he cross it with a toad?
      Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
      But why it crossed, I've not been told!

                        ERNEST HEMINGWAY
      To die. In the rain. Alone.

                        MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
      I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
   without  having their motives called into question.

       GRANDPA
      In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
   told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

                        BARBARA WALTERS
      Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the
   chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it a
   serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of
   crossing the road.

     JOHN LENNON
      Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

             ARISTOTLE
      It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

                        KARL MARX
      It was a historical inevitability.

                        SADDAM HUSSEIN
      This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified
   in  dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

                        VOLTAIRE
      I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the
   death  its right to do it.

                        RONALD REAGAN
      What chicken?


       CAPTAIN KIRK
      To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

                        FOX MULDER
      You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens
   have  to cross before you believe it?

   SIGMUND FREUD
      The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
   road  reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

                        BILL GATES
      I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads,
   but  will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook
    and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

   ALBERT EINSTEIN
      Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath  the
   chicken?

   BILL CLINTON
      I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by  chicken?
   Could you define chicken please?

                          THE BIBLE
      And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
   Thou
   shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was
   much
   rejoicing.

         COLONEL SANDERS
      I missed one?

How Sad

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

Not Right Now

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

 MEN vs WOMEN
 
 Nicknames
 If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each
 other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
 If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer
 to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
 
 Eating Out
 When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in
 $20,  even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything
 smaller,  and none will actually admit they want change back.
 When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
 
 Money
 A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
 A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
 
 Bathrooms
 A man has six items in his bathroom; toothpaste, toothbrush, shaving
 cream,  razor, soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
 The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A
 man  would not be able to identify most of these items.
 
 Arguments
 A woman has the last word in any argument.
 Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 
 Cats
 Women love cats.
 Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
 
 Future
 A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
 A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
 Success
 A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
 A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 
 Marriage
 A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
 A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
 
 Dressing Up
 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
 garbage,  answer the phone, read a book and get the mail.
 A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
 
 Natural
 Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
 Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 
 Offspring
 A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist
 appointments  and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and
 dreams.
 A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
 
 Thought for the day
 Any married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two
 people remembering the same thing.
 
 Health Warning
 Over the past few years more money has been spent on breast implants
 and  Viagra than has been spent on Alzheimer's disease research.  It is
 believed  that by the year 2030 there will be a very large number of people
 wandering  aimlessly with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do
 with  them.

You have sinned

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Cindy, you have sinned."