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 On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant
approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and
requested that she move to the coach section since she did not
have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked
the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman
asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again,
the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
New York, and I'm not moving."
 The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the
captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to
a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's
ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section
mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he
said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't
going to New York."
Things
to ponder:
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
funny?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the
English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest
sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed?
Eat
Grass
A
Lawyer is driving in his limousine when he sees two men eating
grass.
He tells the driver to stop and then he gets out and asks one of
the men why he is eating grass.
The man replies that they can't afford food so they have to eat
grass. The Lawyer tells the men to get in the limousine.
Inside the limo, the two men thank the lawyer and he replies
"No problem, the grass in the back of my house is at least a
foot long."
Very
Punny
Once
upon a time there was a king and a jester. Now, the jester loved
puns and annoyed the king with them all day long. Finally, the
king was so fed up that he said, "If you don't stop with the
puns, I'll be forced to hang you!" What was the jester's
reply? "Well, no noose is good noose!" They hung the
jester the next day.
Condom
A
man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen
to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are
these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies,
"Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe
sex". "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school"
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,
"Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies,
"Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for
Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the
boy.
He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men, the dad answers. TWO for Friday,
TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!"
exclaimed the boy.
"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One
for January, one for February, one for March.
Very
Messy
Mrs.
Cohen came home from her Sisterhood meeting at the synagogue. She
was very excited, and explained to her husband that the guest at
the meeting had been a wonderful hypnotist. Mr. Cohen then
mentioned that attendance was down at the Saturday
services.
Maybe they should hire the hypnotist to bring in a crowd. He
talked it over with the rabbi, who thought it was a terrific idea.
After
lots of publicizing, the synagogue was filled for the Sabbath
service. The hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. As the crowd
observed, mesmerized, the hypnotist began, "Vatch the Vatch,
Vatch the Vatch, Vatch the Vatch." The congregates carefully
observed, their eyes following the sway of the watch. "Vatch
the Vatch," The hypnotist continued.
Then,
accidentally, the watch fell out of his hand. "Shit!" he
cried.
It
took them three weeks to clean up the synagogue.
Thought you'd like these!
1. Never raise your
hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into
working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
3. I am in shape.
Round's a shape...
4. I'm desperately
trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Ever wonder if
illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I always wanted
to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Did you ever
notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take
him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
8. Have you ever
noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster
than you is a maniac.
9. You have to stay
in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a
day when she was 60.
She's 97 today and we have no idea where she is.
10. I have six locks
on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure
no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are
always locking three.
11. The statistics
on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some
form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are
okay, then it's you.
12. Now they show
you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image
there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all
over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of
the body before you do the wash.
13. I ask people why
they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it's such a
beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is
attractive, but I
only have photographs of her.
14. A lady came up
to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
"You know a cow
was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied
in
a psychotic
tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll
have to
kill you too."
15. Future
historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library,
the James
Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton
Adult Bookstore.
16. If all is not
lost, where is it?
Keep it single
A
man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of
beer."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four
dollars." The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and
hands it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't
accept that."
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his
money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a
Singles Bar."
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