Jokes 26

Stamps!

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman.

"Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."  

Lost!

A Minister had gotten about two-thirds through his sermon when he found an unexpected shortage of manuscript. After fumbling it a moment he said, "My good friends, I find the last pages of my discourse have gone. I think my favorite dog must have gotten some of them yesterday and eaten them. You must excuse me from the remainder of the discourse."

After Service, a meek little woman from another parish introduced herself and said, "I was much interested in that dog of yours and its performance yesterday, and might I ask a question?" "Certainly, madam." "I want to know if it has any puppies, for I should like to take one home to my minister."

The Next One!

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled,

"Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

Not you again?

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

WOW!

1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.   

   (Hardly seems worth it.)     

  2.  If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.   

   (Now that's more like it!)     

  3.  The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.  

   (O.M.G.!)     

   4. A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.   

   (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)     

   5. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.   

   (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)     

  6. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.   

   (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)     

   7. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.   

   ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")     

  8.  The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of   a football field.  

   (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)     

  9.  The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.   

   (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)     

   10. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.   

   (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)     

  11. Butterflies taste with their feet.  

   (Something I always wanted to know.)     

   12. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.   

   (Hmmmmmm........)     

  13. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.   

   (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)    

   14. Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.  

   (OK, so that would be a good thing....)     

   15. A cat's urine glows under a black light.   

   (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)     

   16. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.   

   (I know some people like that.)     

  17.  Starfish have no brains.   

   (I know some people like that too.)     

   18. Polar bears are left-handed.   

   (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)     

  19. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.   

   (What about that pig??)   

Coke or Water 

WATER

1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half world population.) 

2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger. 

3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%. 

4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study. 

5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue. 

6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers. 

7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page. 

8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50%less likely to develop bladder cancer. Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day? 

 COKE 

1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident. 

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days. 

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china. 

4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola. 

5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of

Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion. 

6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes. 

7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy. 

8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield. 

 FOR YOUR INFORMATION:

1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8.

It will dissolve a nail in about four days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis. 

2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous Material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials. 

3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!

Now the question is, would YOU like a glass of water or coke? 

Brewster

Zebediah was in the egg business. He had several hundred young layers,
called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the
eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into
the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb
got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a
different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was
performing. Now he could sit on his porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells. Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster.
(Brewster the rewster?) A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this
particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!!!
Zeb went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's amazement,
Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a
pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Zeb was so proud of Brewster
that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation!
The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the
Pulletsurprise! 

Cranky Rooster

Just Wacky

"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?" 

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't." "

No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "

Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Don’t bring her back!

A middle aged man bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SL500.   He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kmph,and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.          

 "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.
          
 But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car
 behind him, blue lights flashing.
          
 "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it
 some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kmph to escape being stopped.
          
Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for  this kind of
thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police
car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up on the driver's side.
          
Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th.
          
If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never
heard before, I'll let you go."
          
 The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran
   off  with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."
          
 The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."