Jokes 27

Happy!

This guy walks into a bar and sees this older couple who looks very happy. He asks the bartender why they are so happy, and he says he doesn't know.

The bartender asked the couple if they want anything to drink and they said yes. Then the bartender asks, "Why are you guys so happy?"

The older couple says "We just finished a puzzle. It took us 3 years!!!" 

"3 years!!!" the bartender said "It doesn't take that long to do a puzzle."

"Oh yes it does" said the couple " It said so right on the box 2 to 3 years

Pissed Off! 

Be sure to go to the bathroom before going on a long trip especially in
the  cold states.
 
   This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays... This was on
   the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the
   most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described
   her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to
why her tale took the prize!
 
   Marilyn said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had
   taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight).
   No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met
   before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were
   headed home and late that afternoon. They were driving back down the
   mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have
   had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with
   a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she
   try to hold it, which she did for a while.  Unfortunately, because of the
  heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he
  had  better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat
  of his car.
   They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
   pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have
  good  footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady
  herself.
   Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and
   indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she
   could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing
   nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware
   of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants the young lady
  discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of
   tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted
   to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent, that
   she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her
  plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what
   was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt
   off and needed some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to
   cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into
   his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they
   finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
   Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with
   a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly
   cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the
   predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was
   only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first
  time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
 
   As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down...or perhaps
   that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was
  embarrassing. This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off". 

Bumper Stickers:

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

"Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow."

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

Listen to Me

Michelangelo is painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel when he sees an old woman praying the rosary. He decides to take a break and lies back on the scaffolding so the woman can't see him and says in a loud voice, "I am Jesus Christ. Listen to me and I will perform miracles."

The old woman is intent on her beads and does not look up.

Michelangelo figures that she is hard of hearing, so he shouts, "I am Jesus Christ! Listen to me and I will perform miracles!"

With head bent, the woman continues praying so Michelangelo shouts, "I AM JESUS CHRIST! LISTEN TO ME!"

The old woman yells back, "Would you shut up? I'm talking to your mother."

The Test!

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

Survival

At the crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone.

As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of there bones, he noticed the rescue team.

"Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades.

The survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!" 

Always Wrong

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge."

"Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk." he explained.

"Gentlemen," he said, "I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The car won’t start

Two Snakes

Two snakes were slithering through a field.

One snake turned to the other and asked, "Do you suppose we are poisonous?"

"I don't know", replied the other, "Why?"

"Well", said the first, "I just bit my lip"

Pinch a lot

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

Serve him Right

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Problem

The US has succeeded in building a super computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied.

Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.

Batmans' Pet Peeves

After dramatic entrance at scene of crime, having to convince everybody he's not a professional wrestler

When you can see the outline of his underwear through the Bat suit

When really stupid people shout out, "Hey! Where's Tonto?"

Punks who gather round and smart off while he's getting gas for the Batmobile

The way any two-bit moron with a flashlight and a piece of cardboard can summon him at night

When people call him "The Batman." It's just "Batman," damn it!

Doctor, Doctor

A man returns from Africa and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone at his bedside rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely deadly virus, which is very contagious."

"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the patient.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but...it's the only food we can get under the door

Honest?

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Harper, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

Meet you Tomorrow