Jokes28

Jump you fool

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.

"Well," he said, "its three weeks long."

"What else," I asked.

"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools."

"And the third week?" I asked.

"The third week, the fools jump."

I’m Winning

A blonde walks into a casino where she sees a coke vending machine.

She puts in some money and a coke falls out.

She smiles and keeps putting in more and more money, and getting heaps of cokes.

She does this for about an hour or so until a guy comes up to her and says "Havent you had enough?"

She answers, "No! Cant you see I'm winning!"

Bad Things that can happen to you:

You live in afghanistan and look like bin laden.

You get run over by a steamroller, from the feet up.

You are on your deathbed, you confess to a dozen murders then get better.

Personal injury involving your crotch and a sewing machine... in the mountains.

You decide to become a Satan worshiper and at your first meeting you learn that you are the sacrifice for that night.

You go to kick that piece of ice thats just sitting there on the ground and it ends up that it's stuck and you fracture your toe.

You work really hard to get on the show Fear Factor only to learn that the first challenge is to carve out your own spleen and eat it.

You're halfway over a fence with one leg on each side when you realise that it is electric. You strain a groin muscle trying to get over before being shocked.

You lose control of all thought, later coming to, you realize that you have ten sticks of dynamite down your pants, and you are driving a flaming busload of nuns into a nursing home.

The Weather

"How did you find the weather in London?" asked the friend of the returned traveler.

"You don't have to find the weather in London," replied the traveler. "It bumps into you at every corner."

 Ya have to laugh

An attractive lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus and
immediately noticed the man opposite was smiling at her. She quickly moved
to  another  seat but this time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved  again.
The  man  seemed more amused but when the fourth move caused the man to
 burst  out laughing, she complained to the driver, and he had the man
arrested.    The case came up in court and the judge asked the man what he
had  to  say  for  himself. The man replied:
"Well your honour, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign  that   said  "The  Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under  a  sign that said "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had  to  smile.          
Then she placed herself under a sign that said "William's Big  Stick  did the  Trick" and I could hardly contain myself.    BUT your honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign  that  said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident"... I
   just lost it.
                      
            "CASE DISMISSED"

Olive your lovin'

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered Martini after Martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Ach, it were nothin', said McQuillan, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives

Venice from a man's point of view

A young lady who had returned from a tour through Italy with her father informed a friend that he liked all the Italian cities, but most of all he loved Venice.

"Ah, Venice, to be sure!" said the friend. "I can readily understand that your father would like Venice with its gondolas, and St. Markses and Michelangelos."

"Oh, no,' the young lady interrupted, "it wasn't that. He liked it because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window."

Red Light, Green Light

Two guys in a car drive right through a red light.

"Man, you just ran that red light!" exclaimed the passenger.

"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver.

They continue driving through town and then proceed to drive through another stop light.

"You just ran another stop light! You're going to get us killed!" screamed the nervous passenger.

"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," repeated the driver.

Moments later, they approached a green light and they came to a halting stop.

"Why are you stopping?" asked the anxious passenger.

The driver turned and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"

A Nose

A few years ago a gentleman who had lost his nose was invited out to tea.

"My dear," said the old lady of the house to her little daughter, "I want you to be very particular and make no remarks about Mr. Jenkins' nose.

Gathered around the table, everything was going well; the child peeped about, looking rather puzzled, and at last startled the table:

"Ma, why did you tell me to say nothing about Mr. Jenknis' nose? He doesn't have one

Shooting Stars

The teacher asked little Johnny, "Can you name four shooting stars?"

Little Johnny said, "I sure can... Wyatt Earp, Annie Oakley, Buffalo Bill, and John Wayne."

Test

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Slippery  Story

One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late.

"It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."

The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how you ever get here?"

"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."

Dreams

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams

Nothing

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?

Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

Dog

The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone.

After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him.

He drove around the neigbourhood for some time with no luck.

Finally he stopped beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog.

"You mean the one following your car?" they asked.

Typical Programmer

The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer terminal. The things he has around him are:

Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on, piled in roughly chronological order on every flat surface in the office.

Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee. Occasionally, there will be cigarette butts floating in the coffee. In some cases, the cups will contain Orange Crush.

Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OSJCL manual and the Principles of Operation open to some particularly interesting pages.

Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calender for the year 1969.

Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter filled cheese bars -- the type that are made pre-stale at the bakery so they can't get any worse while waiting in the vending machine.

Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of double-stuff Oreos for special occasions.

Underneath the Oreos is a flow-charting template, left there by the previous occupant of the office. (Real Programmers write programs, not documentation. Leave that to the maintenance people.)

Big Mistake

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.

The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

I can't find it:

A mother of two teenage boys, was constantly being asked to look for things they couldn't find.

Most of the time these items were directly in front of them.

Seeing her frustration over this when it happened yet again, one of her sons remarked:

"It's not my fault, Mom. I don't have 'parental vision'”

Security

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Arnold was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold ten percent of Arnold's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much will it cost?" asked Arnold. "About $4,500," said the owner. "What a relief!" exclaimed Arnold. 'I've finally got job security!"

Dentist

Dentist begging the patient: "Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?"

Patient: "Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time."

Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game."

A Nut Case

A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist.

He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it."

As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans."

Help Me

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.

"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

24 Hour Service

Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched the small Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which read: "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service."

After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for my suit tomorrow."

"Won't be ready til Saturday," replied the proprietor.

"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.

"We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully. "But we only work eight hours a day. Today's Thursday - eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."

Let’s pray

A couple was touring the capitol in Washington, DC, and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional chaplain.

The lady asked, "What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?"

The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at both houses of Congress, then prays for the country!"