Jokes 29

Hello Darling

During a taxi run, the crew of a US AIR flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on ""Charlie"" taxiway; you turned right on ""Delta. Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!""

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically.

"God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"

The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am." The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at the airport was running high.

Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

McDonalds

Tony just finished his training session at the local McDonald's.

So he was a little nervous being behind the register for the first time. His first customer ordered a Milkshake.

"Tony," his manager said, "remember to say 'Welcome to McDonald's' to each customer before they order."

His second customer ordered a Cheeseburger. This time, the manager approached Ted again, and said, "Remember to ask each customer if they want fries with their order."

At this point a man came in wearing a ski mask, approached Tony at the register and pointed a gun in his face. "Give me all the money you got in that register kid!"

Tony took one look at his manager, thought to himself, and quickly said, "Would you like that for here or to go?"

The label said...

Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?

Patient: I sure did. The bottle said, "Keep tightly closed."

For Sale

A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.

After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help.

Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.

"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, 'HORSE for sale.'"

Workers Compensation 

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of  my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience vertigo. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom  fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.  In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.   

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. 

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.   

I hope this answers your inquiry. 

Give no Quarter

Several years ago a mother gave her son 2 quarters. One was for his Sunday school offering.

The other was for an ice cream cone on the way home from Sunday School.

Well, Billy was flipping one quarter in the air and catching it on the way down.

This happened 8 times or so when all of a sudden the quarter was flipped into the air , but Billy missed catching it. It rolled down the storm sewer and was gone.

Billy looked skyward and prayed, "Sorry, God, that was your quarter."

Holey Problem

The contractor ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep.

After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

Hanging Out

My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out.

"I know," he replied. "It's a fad me and some of the guys started."

Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented, "I can't stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you."

I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair.

"Yeah," he said smiling slyly. "All the girls do too."

Pregnant

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young student confidently. "Means carrying a child."

A lot of Bull

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana.

They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd.

The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull.

"It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it.""

She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word.

She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."

""And what word would that be? Inquires the man.

"Comfortable." Replies the brunette.

The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"

The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will read it like: COM-FOR-DA-BULL."

Constipation

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.

"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

Racing

There was a swim meet with a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

They were swimming breaststroke in their competition.

The redhead came in first but was neck to neck with the brunette the whole race.

The brunette came in second and the blonde came in last but when she got out of the pool she said:

"Not fair! You guys used your arms 

How does it Work

I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.

"Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out?" I asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."

A Hump

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.

He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. He went back in and in the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself.

He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "If only I could find my parakeet."

Sleeping Dog

I have a dog that talks in its sleep. One day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow,

"My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America, and I married Marilyn Monroe!"

When the visitor asked what was going on, I replied, "Don't worry about it. It's better to just let sleeping dogs lie."