Brain dead
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

Charity begins at home
A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the rep mumbled, "Um...no."

"Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "...or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "...and if I don't give them a penny, why should I give any to you??"

The right to bare arms
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

This blonde's no dummy
A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club. He and his dummy are spurting out really crude blonde jokes, when a blonde lady sittng in the audience stands up.

"I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. It's because of you that I have had to work harder to prove myself at my job and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair."

"Gosh, Miss, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

"Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little guy on your lap!"

As time flies by
Every morning for years, at about 11:30am, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed-up the nerve to ask him why the regularity.

"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time."

The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

Mad cow indeed
A man walks into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order.

"I'll have your biggest, juiciest London Broil," he says.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.

"Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."

The last rule
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.

They were ready to discuss the last one, when the teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbour's wife."

Birthin' babies
In the back woods of a rural town, Mrs. Stewart went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Sir!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

Drinking a toast
A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe.

"Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives," she spoke wisely.

"I agree completely, ma'am," the man replied.

The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle.

"This bottle of wine wasn't even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship."

"That's a great idea, miss," the man answered taking the bottle from her. He popped the cork and drank his share. "I'm sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some?"

"No, thanks," came her reply. "I'll just wait on the cops to get here."

Only in America...
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

God's best friend
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.

"You know, it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie, still crying, said "What would God want with a dead dog?"

The ordained loan shark
Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Anne opened a letter from home and found a $10 bill inside.

As she read the letter she caught sight of a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below.

Quickly she wrote, "Don't despair, Sister Anne" on a piece of paper, wrapped the $10 in it and dropped it out the window.

The stranger picked it up and, with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day Sister Anne was told that a man was at the door, insisting on seeing her.

She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a roll of bills.

"What's this?" she asked.

That's the 60 bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid five to one."

Things you would never know without the movies
-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.