Who's Marylou
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.

"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

"What was that for?" he complained.

"Your dog called last night."

Pumpkin math
What do you get when you divide the circumference of your pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi!

Frog in a Trap

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
 She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
 The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you  3 wishes.
 The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to  mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
 The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted  to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
 The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
 husband the most  handsome man in the world, an Adonis, one that women will flock to."   The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful
 woman  and he will only have eyes for me."
 So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

 For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The
 frog  said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he
 will be ten times  richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
 So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

 
 The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a
 mild heart  attack."

 
 Moral of the story: 
 Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them

Actual instruction labels
- ON A HAIR DRYER: Do not use while sleeping.
- ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
- ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions: Use like regular soap.
- ON A FROZEN DINNER: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
- ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP: Fits one head.
- ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
- ON MARKS AND SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating.
- ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not iron clothes on body.
- ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
- ON NYTOL (a sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness.
- ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning keep out of children.
- ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only.
- ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other use.
- ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: Warning: contains nuts.
- ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
- ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: Do not attempt to stop chain with hands.

Words of Wisdom

"Julie Carter" <SMTP:julie.carter@arts.qld.gov.au at IMC

 The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

* Helen Hayes  (at 73)

 I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
 * Janette Barber

 Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think  I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.

*Jan King

 Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

 * Lily Tomlin

A male gynaecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

*Carrie Snow

 Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
 * Laurie Kuslansky

My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

*Erma Bombeck

Old age ain't no place for sissies.

* Bette Davis

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what He can't.
*Rhonda Hansome

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

*Jane Sellman

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
*Jennifer Unlimited

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought
half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

* Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your Body  starts falling apart.

* Caryn Leschen

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

* Jennifer Unlimited

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

* Catherine Aird

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
* Kathy Buckley

Behind every successful woman...is a substantial amount of coffee. *
* Stephanie Piro

Behind every successful woman is a basket of dirty laundry.

* Sally Forth

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand:

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. FAT CLOTHES.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Holy Moses
Jesus and Moses were teeing off on a 149 yd par 3, with a water hazard. Jesus pulled out his wedge and hit his first ball into the water.

"I don't understand," he said. "I saw Arnold Palmer hit a wedge to the green on this same hole yesterday!"

Again he dropped a ball on the ground and repeated the shot with the same results.

"Get a longer iron or you'll never make it across," Moses said.

Jesus dropped another ball to the ground and repeated the swing dropping the third ball in the water short of the green.

"That was my last ball!" Jesus remarked as he walked across the water fishing for his lost balls.

A foursome approached the green and one man replied, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"

Moses replied, "He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."