Bad day at work
A man joined a big company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me some coffee, quick!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

“No," replied the trainee.

"It's the managing director of the company, you fool!" The man shouted back.

 "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?" The trainee shouted.

"No," replied the director. "Good," said the trainee as he hung up.

New Math
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2,000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)

52 cards: 1 decacards

3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

High definition hilarity

·  ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

·  BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

·  CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

·  CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

·  COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

·  DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

·  EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

·  GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

·  HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

·  INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

·  MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

·  RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

·  SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

·  TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

·  TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

·  YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

·  WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Cor! What a bird!
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

Absolutely sweet Marie
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."

Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Marie with me."

Picture perfect crime
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of Handcuffs

Safari so goody
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

Bird in a kilted cage
The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing guard outside Edinburgh Castle.

After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked "I've always wanted to find out what's worn under the kilt."

The sentry replied: "There is nothing worn, Ma'am, its all in perfect working order."

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

 A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

Divorce whisperer
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."