Jokes 7

A case for the FBI
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes it is. What do you want?" the voice replies.

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood," the man says.

"We will investigate," says the FBI agent.

On the next day, the FBI goes to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, curse at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house.

"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come and chop your firewood?"

"Yeah they did." Tom answers

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

The blind date
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't stand another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather has just died."

"Thank God," his date said. "If yours hadn't, mine would've had to."

The big game
A young man was very excited when he won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened however, as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field. He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken. The man replied, "No." Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"

The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away."

"Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"

"No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."

Medical terminology
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete he said, "Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English, you're just lazy," the doctor replied.

"Okay," the man said. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

A kiss per yard
Walking up to the counter at a fabric store, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.

"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Nope
A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property. He watched as a red sports car came over the top of a hill and followed the road up to the spot where he stood. The driver pulled over to the side of the road and called out to the farmer.

"Do you know how I can get to Route 91?" the driver asked. The farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said, "Nope."

"Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?" the driver asked. "Nope," the farmer replied.

"How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which direction it is from here?" "Nope."

Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't know very much, do you?" he said.

"Nope," the farmer replied. "But I'm not lost."

The bum
While walking down the street, a bum asks a man for $2.

"Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum replies "No."

"Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies "No."

Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Brides wear white
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought for a moment, and then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

The star player
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question. If you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate...what is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" asked the coach, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Taking a shot
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man - you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!"

Pregnancy class
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

A man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

The police chase
Late one afternoon a man was driving home - above the speed limit. He noticed a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror.

"I can outrun this guy," he thought.

So he floored it and the race was on. The cars were racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passed 100, the guy figured, "What the heck...," and gave up.

The police officer got out of his cruiser and approached the car. He leaned down and said, "Listen Mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were trying to give her back to me!"

Boy buries goldfish
One day Timmy was in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decided to investigate.

"Whatcha doin?" he asked.

"My goldfish died and I'm burying him," Timmy replied.

"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.

"That's because he's inside your cat!"

Speeding husband
A husband and wife were pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approached the car and asked for the man's license.

"Why do you need my license?" the man asked. "What did I do wrong?"

"You were going 45 mph in a 30 mph zone," the policeman answered.

"Come on, officer! You know I was only going 35."

"No you weren't!" quipped the wife. "I told you, you were speeding! I told you not to go fast. I knew you'd get a ticket," she said.

"Shut up!" grunted the husband.

The policeman continued, "I'm also charging you for going through a red light."

"Officer, you know as well as I that light was yellow, not red."

The wife piped in, "No, it was most definitely red - I told you it was red - I told you."

At that point the husband became infuriated. "SHUT UP!" he yells at his wife.

The policeman turned to the woman and asked, "Does he always talk to you this way?"

"No, only when he's been drinking." 

Dead donkey
An undertaker found a donkey lying dead in front of his premises, and went to inform the police.

He asked the officer in charge, "What shall I do with it?"

"Do with it? Bury it, of course. You are an undertaker, aren't you?"

"Certainly I am, but I thought I should come round and inform the relatives first." 

Old father
After marrying a young gal, a 90-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.

"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absentminded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."

"Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot the bear."

"Exactly," replied the doctor.