Jokes 8

Old golfers
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're 75-years-old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"He's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot." 

Man's best friend
A man was watering his lawn one day when he saw two hearses followed by a man, his dog and a single file line of about 200 men. He thought this was very strange so he asked the guy (with the dog) what was going on.

"That's my wife in the first hearse, my dog bit her and she died," the man answered.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that," the guy watering his lawn said. "What about the second hearse?"

"Well that's my mother-in-law, my dog also bit her and she died."

The guy watering his lawn thought for a minute and said, "Can I borrow your dog?"

The man with the dog responded, "Back of the line!" 

Ordering problems
An elderly couple was watching television one evening.

"I am going to get a dish of ice cream now," the wife said.

Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife.

"I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.

"I won't forget," the old gent said.

"But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it. So, I'll write it down," she replied.

"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the husband.

A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and eggs.

His wife said, "See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast." 

A load off my mind
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, saw a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look tired, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," replied the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Where is he...I'm going to give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay." 

Andy's prison stay
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community...and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place." 

Scared straight
Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and even worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music - anything that he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got even more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming. Then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavour to correct my behaviour."

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?" 

New baby
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-age daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time." 

Through all the bad times
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he finally came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck." 

The watermelon farmer
There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was fairly successful, but was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat the watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea to scare the kids away. He made a sign and posted it in the field.

The next day the kids showed up and saw a sign, that said: "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

So the kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer showed up the next week and when he looked at the field he realized that no watermelons were missing, but he saw a new sign next to his.

The sign read: "Now there are two." 

Old ladies
Three old ladies were sitting in a diner, chatting.

One lady said, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady said, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiled smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She rapped on the table. With a startled look on her face, she asked, "Who's there?" 

The juggler
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."

The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch.

"Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!" 

Childbirth
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

The grocery store
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. 

The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out." 

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamour for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. 

The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap." 

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her.

"I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..." 

The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy...I'm Ellen."