Jokes 9

The barber shop
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around and says, "About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

Later, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house." 

Check out
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

Visiting penguins
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The attendant spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.

He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach." 

Ugly baby
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant! He shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey." 

Adam and Eve
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands...When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

Eve said, "Counting your ribs!" 

All aboard
A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves in the same sleeping compartment of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both managed to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leaned over and said, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man, with a glint in his eye, responded, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married."

"Why not?" giggled the woman.

"Good," he said. "Get your own blanket." 

Green beans
Two green beans were crossing the highway when one of them was hit by a truck. His buddy scraped him up and rushed him to the hospital.

After hours of surgery the doctor came in and said, "I have good news and bad news."

The green bean started to rejoice and the doctor said, "The good news is that he's going to live...The bad news is he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life." 

The Porsche
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he decided to check it out. So he went to the house of the lady who was selling the Porsche. She led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man exclaimed, "Can I take it for a test drive?"

"Sure," answered the lady.

Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.

When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money.'" 

Cigarette covers
Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

The lady asked, "What's that?"

"A condom," the other lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

"Where did you get it?" the other lady asked.

"You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

"It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted. 

The dog
One day a mailman was greeted by a boy and a huge dog sitting right behind the boy.

The mailman said to the boy, "does your dog bite?"

"No," replied the boy.

Just then the huge dog bit the mailman.

The man yelled, "I thought your dog doesn't bite!"

"He doesn't," replied the boy, "that's not my dog!" 

Pressed clothes
Two old gents were rocking quietly on the porch of an old folks home in England when Lady Bottomley - age 94 - decided to streak the compound. She ripped off her clothes and toddled across the lawn.

One gent looked up, "I say, wasn't that Lady Bottomley?"

The other looked over his glasses, "I think so."

The first asked, "Whatever was that she was wearing?"

The other replied, "I don't know, but it certainly needed pressing!" 

Underwear shopping
Three guys walk in to a clothing store, the first guy goes up to the sales person and says, "I'd like 7 pairs of underwear please. One for each day of the week."

The second guy walks up to the sales person and asks for 5 pairs of underwear, 5 for the week days when he's with his wife, and then on the weekends he doesn't wear them because he's with his lover.

The last guy asks for 12 pairs, the sales person looks confused so the guy responds, "January, February, March,..."

Hearing aids
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.

He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response.

Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"

She replied, "For the third time, Yes!" 

Skin graft
A married couple was in a terrible accident in which the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." 

Don't give up
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" 

Dearly departed
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied..."My wife's first husband." 

Racing animals
Three race horses were bragging about their race averages.

"I won 5 out of 20 races" said the first horse.

"Oh yea! I won 15 out of my 30" said the second.

"Hah! I won 50 out of 60" said the third.

Hiding behind a hay bail, a greyhound was listening in on the conversation. He steps into view and says. "Well I won 99 out of 100 of my races"

The third horse looks at the second horse and says "WOW!!...A talking dog!" 

Golf balls
A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees.

After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left ajar. She peeks in and sees 3 golf balls and $6,000.

She confronts her mate with her findings, and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer."

She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad. But what about the $6,000? He explains "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold 'em!" 

The flying turtle
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.

After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted." 

The lemon grove
A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well...as a matter of fact, Yes!" she replied. "I have been divorced three times."